I even have a superstition that has grown on me
as the result of invisible hands
coming all the time..
Namely, that if you follow your bliss
you put yourself on a kind of track
that has been there all the while,
waiting for you.
And the life that you ought to be living,
is the one you ARE living.
-joseph campbell

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Job Envy

It started just before we traveled to bring Cami home in August 2007. And it is oddly connected to the theme of my blog, which is naturally, the theme of my life.

Suddenly everyone around me had a most fascinating job. Everyone. I was drawn to conversations people were having about their work. I eavesdropped when strangers complained about their hours, boss, or salary. Stranger still, I began to compulsively imagine what it would be like if "I" traded places and did the job of most everyone I met.

This sort of thing can keep a person's mind very busy.

Some of my favorite fantasy jobs over the past two years include the cashier at Walgreens, the receptionist at the doctor's office, and the clerk at the post office. I guess I was still firmly rooted in reality because I never cared to imagine what it would be like to work as the craniofacial neurosurgeon who repaired Cami's cleft palate!!!! But the woman who was mopping the hall? I created an entire life story for her, and I enjoyed her job.

I've been a mom at home raising my children since 1986. Some might say my excessive fantasies about working outside of the home could be a type of mid-life crisis. I agree that the sudden onset of symptoms just as I was about to begin again to be the mother of a toddler support the theory that I was day dreaming about the roads unchosen, the careers I would really not be able to have now. Maybe I needed to work through this truth and come to terms with the final direction my life was taking. And I do say "final" with a smile because I've learned that just when I expect it the least, my direction changes.

I enjoyed all the comments left following my first post. You, my friends that posted or signed up to follow this blog, are the very first to be here, you are seeing this blog journey from it's birth. Lucky for me, you are all people with whom I feel immensely comfortable baring my soul. And my hope is that you will continue to respond and share your reactions and thoughts. I have a feeling that you, my readers, are some of the Invisible Hands holding up this life!

In my previous post I confessed how I never felt like I was doing "enough" no matter how full my days. I did not mean to imply we were heading into another adoption. I was trying to sort out my feelings of needing to know what MY exact JOB is!!!! So many days I don't sit down for hours, I don't have many thoughts that are without interruption, I rarely talk with other adults, and I eat most of the time standing up. I'm tired, overworked, underpaid, and I love it. Right now I can only hope that from the view on another plane, I actually to HAVE A JOB. Maybe I just can't see it from here. Maybe I'm too close to see clearly what I am doing and why.

It's funny that I long to be influential, kind to people who need kindness, helpful to those who are struggling, and a teacher to people who have something they are trying to learn. It's funny because that describes exactly the skills required for the way I spend my days! Whatever job I fantasize about has elements that I am already using every day.

Maybe I long for the recognition, the "job well done" pat on the back, the adoring audience that I imagine people in the real workforce are surrounded by. I admit I wear my rose colored glasses when I imagine the jobs of the world, but I figure since it's my fantasy I can take that liberty.

Now I've decided that I do have parts of all the jobs I imagine enjoying. I need to keep as organized as any cashier, as kind toward each request as the nicest of receptionists, and as calm and promising as any teacher who believes wholeheartedly in her students.

I am already all of the things I want to be.

Now I will watch for signs of the other jobs for which I'm being prepared. As usual, there is likely more happening here than I can fully understand. What about your job? What do you think it is, really????


  1. I know that my life's calling is not in the field that I am working in. I have always known that. I feel most valuable when I am nurturing children; especially my own and the adoption aspect of my life looms large. I have longed to have a larger roll in that aspect but the inequality and exploitation also worries me. Because of practical matters I will continue for now to try to make money in Real Estate and then continue to volunteer my time to the organizations that I work with now. That satisfies my soul. I also want to pursue my writing and photography and as soon as my life gets off of the crazy loop-d-loop that it has been on, I definitely will.

    Another great subject my friend...thanks for making me think a bit about me ;-)

  2. I'm listening and like your perspective and that you *dive* with words to give us a closer look!