I even have a superstition that has grown on me
as the result of invisible hands
coming all the time..
Namely, that if you follow your bliss
you put yourself on a kind of track
that has been there all the while,
waiting for you.
And the life that you ought to be living,
is the one you ARE living.
-joseph campbell

Saturday, January 9, 2010

The Dark Side

I have decided there is no good excitement here anymore....
Snow days,
Close your eyes for a surprise,
Visits with friends,
a morning at school,
the doctor,
the church,
it is all too much.
And it always ends badly.

Cami is a child who both seeks out extra sensory experiences
during the day,
Has a difficult time processing the sensory input
she receives.

what goes in must come out.
The bigger the fun,
the louder the cries,
the further the fall.

When it is all over,
and the friends are gone,
and the cake is eaten,
and the night is coming,
Cami will lose control.

Of course she can not say,
Gee, mom, I've had a big day......
I think I need some time to unwind.
totally unrelated to the excitement
will push her over the edge.

She will rage.
Her body will tremble and fight
every attempt at comfort.
She will scream
and yell, "NOOOOOOOOOO"

I have tried many ways
of dealing with her rages,
they are a hard time for everyone.
But I find it cannot be fixed,
with a word or a gesture,
the course must be run.
The pent up stress must be released.

And only then,
when the trembling stops
and she looks at me again,
with eyes that truly see,
may I pick her up and hold her to me.

Offering comfort
I tell her simple things.
I promise again to always love and take care.
I validate her anger.
I tell her I am also mad.
She should not have lain in a dull room,
cold bed,
for two empty years.
She deserved better.
She deserves everything.

This is the dark side of a child's heart.
No one wants to tell us
to speak of it
But how could we expect
an orphan
to suffer such a loss and void
and have no damages.

The raging darkness in the void seeps out
and winds around our legs,
threatens to pull taunt choking our throat.
But when the child is spent
and the rage has quieted,
I believe a tiny bit of the
Darkness has died,
and some of the Light
has come in.


  1. Poor Cami. I hope she gets it all out someday and can bask in the light. :(

  2. Breaks my heart.

    Thanks for being brave enough to cut through the Pollyanna and let us know it is not all sunshine and roses and puppies and kitties.

    How does one ever get over their own abandonment, the loss of one's bio parents? How does one overcome sensory deprivation? These are hard, hard things...

    I love what you are learning. I love that you are humble.

  3. You have captured sensory in a very real way, both with words and pictures...thnak you for saying it so beautifully. It is strange such an awful experience(the Rage)can be so beautiful when the one you love the most-understands the most. As hard as it is for Cami, it is equally as hard if not more for you and the rest of the family. As they get older the rage flows through an amazing gift of words that can hurt just as bad as a physical blow and it seems nearly impossible to avoid. Transitioning gets more and more complicated-but I pray that at some point the central nervous system matures enough to give the brain and mommies heart enough time to catch up and calm the rage a small amount.

    Your children are so blessed to have a mommy who is not at all willing to give in to the sensory rage and forget the love that is so pleasant, so sweet, so real and so needed.

  4. Thank you Sherri!

    This post speaks to me so deeply, Cadence is my Cami; watching her process her pain is so hard, but so necessary.

    Your insight into the darkest corner of Cami's heart is so touching. We can never fix their past, no matter how much we wish we could. All we can do is be there to hold them close and listen with our hearts laid wide open. Cami is an incredible soul and she has an amazing Mama.

    Thank you for being so open with your own heart. I learn so much from you.