The Dark Side

I have decided there is no good excitement here anymore....
Holidays,
Snow days,
Close your eyes for a surprise,
Visits with friends,
a morning at school,
the doctor,
the church,
it is all too much.
And it always ends badly.

Cami is a child who both seeks out extra sensory experiences
during the day,
and
Has a difficult time processing the sensory input
she receives.

Basically,
what goes in must come out.
The bigger the fun,
the louder the cries,
the further the fall.

Later.
When it is all over,
and the friends are gone,
and the cake is eaten,
and the night is coming,
Cami will lose control.

Of course she can not say,
Gee, mom, I've had a big day......
I think I need some time to unwind.
Instead,
something,
anything,
totally unrelated to the excitement
will push her over the edge.

She will rage.
Her body will tremble and fight
every attempt at comfort.
She will scream
and yell, "NOOOOOOOOOO"
regardless.

I have tried many ways
of dealing with her rages,
because
they are a hard time for everyone.
But I find it cannot be fixed,
with a word or a gesture,
the course must be run.
The pent up stress must be released.

And only then,
when the trembling stops
and she looks at me again,
with eyes that truly see,
may I pick her up and hold her to me.

Offering comfort
I tell her simple things.
I promise again to always love and take care.
I validate her anger.
I tell her I am also mad.
She should not have lain in a dull room,
cold bed,
for two empty years.
She deserved better.
She deserves everything.

This is the dark side of a child's heart.
No one wants to tell us
to speak of it
But how could we expect
an orphan
to suffer such a loss and void
and have no damages.

The raging darkness in the void seeps out
and winds around our legs,
threatens to pull taunt choking our throat.
But when the child is spent
and the rage has quieted,
I believe a tiny bit of the
Darkness has died,
and some of the Light
has come in.